Genaidaliz Claudio is a columnist for BardVERSE. Her columns appear weekly.

 

I feel sadness bounce off the walls of my soul. It disappears, and when I think it’s gone it comes back.

I feel empty. I don’t know what is going on in my life or in my heart. When I feel tears rolling off my cheeks I watch them fall on my shirt and vanish into the dark fabric.

My shirt signifies the darkness I feel, and the tears represent my attempt to cleanse my deep sorrow. I’ve been trying to hide the sadness and loneliness I’ve been feeling for two to three weeks. I dislike how I have to go to work and act like nothing is going on. There are more problems I face within me than a customer at work not getting a blizzard.

Everyone thinks they know what’s happening. They think that I’m obligated to tell them what I’m feeling. I have a group of friends, but just because I have friends does not mean I am not lonely.

I don’t want to hear the words “I love you” again, unless it’s genuine. This fake love I receive makes me keep my mask on, so I can be left alone. I can distinguish pure love, but how will I know what’s pure when I receive toxic behavior. I hyperventilate and feel like I’m taking my last breath, like it has escaped me.

I don’t want my last breath to be a sorrowful one. I want it to be full of life. I want it to be memorable as something beautiful. I just want to love myself without people or the media trying to inject toxicity in my heart, mind, or soul.

Maybe joy is bouncing within the walls of my soul, but too low for my soul to see. When will joy bounce so high over the walls that my soul will notice its joy again?